A man goes to see his psychiatrist. He says, "Doctor, I've been having suicidal tendency. What should I do?"
The psychiatrist reply"Pay your bill today."

After the college boy delivered the pizza to a trailer house, the man asked, "What is the usual tip?" "Well," replied the youth, "this is my first trip here, but the other guys say if I get a a divide into four parts out of you, I'll be doing great." "Is that so? Well, just to show them how wrong they are, here's five dollars." "Thanks," replied the youth, "I'll put this in my school fund." "What are you studying?" asked the man. The young man smiled and said: "Applied psychology."

A social psychologist and a LISW are having dinner jointly. On the table there is a dish with one big portion of fish and one small portion of fish. They politely say to each other, "You may decide first." "No, you may decide first." This goes on for a while, then the social psychologist says: "OK, I'll take first," and takes the big portion of fish. The LISW exclaims, "Why did you take the big portion? That's not polite!" The social psychologist says, "Which portion would you has taken?" The LISW replies, "Why, I would have taken the SMALL piece, of course." "Well, that's what you have now!"

A psychiatrist's secretary walks into his office and says, "There's a gentleman in the waiting room asking to see you. Claims he's invisible." The psychiatrist responds, "Tell him I can't see him."

After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the director reviewed the rescuer's file and called him into his office. "Mr. James, your records and your heroic behavior indicate that you're ready to go home. I'm only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around the neck." "Oh, he didn't kill himself," Mr. James replied. "I hung him up to dry."